The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
