She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
