I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Girls should come with a carfax report
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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