I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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