I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
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