I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
