my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
