is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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