I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
