I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
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