It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
