You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
