i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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