On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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