Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
