I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Randomize
