i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
