If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
