Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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