When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
