Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
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