I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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