i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
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I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
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Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.