All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.