Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
