Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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