Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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