I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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