I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
