gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
