can u get pink eye on your cock?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
