I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
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