he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
where am i from again
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
