My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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