I can text with my tongue
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
