dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
