i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
That accounts for only three of the penises
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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