I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
