She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Randomize
