I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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