You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
