I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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