when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
