im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
