I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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