I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
