Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Randomize
