My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Randomize
