Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
