I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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