Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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