So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
