Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
