I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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