i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
