Having a random hookup so left but love u
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
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