did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
