hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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