The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
