We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
